Abnormalities of Life

I use public transportation every work day. On my travels I see all kinds. I see young and old, black and white, male and female, student and executive, and everything in between. You really get a sense of the diversity within the modern American City just by examining its train demographic.

Sadly, aside from the great sense of diversity, I'm also confronted with an even greater sense of stupidity nearly every day. Is it simple lack of coffee, improper training in etiquette, or just poor common sense? I'm not sure, but it needs to stop.

Attention vestibule standees: When exiting the warm confines of the train station lobby to enter the landing platform below, use the double doors for their intended use. Double doors are meant to allow multiple people to travel through a doorway simultaneously. This works especially well in opposing foot traffic circumstances.

So why now, does this translate into everyone waiting on their respective sides of the entry threshold and proceeding to introduce an "I go, you go" methodology for one of the doors while the other just acts like an easily movable glass wall? How heavy can that other door really be? Once moved, how much time--and patience-- would this save?

It is there for a reason. USE IT!

I went to Dunkin' Donuts today for breakfast. The one I go to is a super-efficient center city location. After you place your order, you are sent to the end of the counter for bagel and other hot food pick-up. This is where you meet Gladys the bagel lady. Gladys must be well known, as she talked to everyone.

"How them chillin' Gladdy" cries one woman.

"Oh, the chillin' is just wonafoo" she replies. "Just wonafoo, cep they gettin' too many things from santy. Wonafoo things but too many. I member when I uz young we dint get nuthin till daddy got his check, and even en, we only got a dolla. Well my son just got his check and I sez to him 'pay for real shit, not mo' dolls and joes for then chillin'. But he don't listen. . .

She continues this monologue for what must have been 2 minutes. The other woman has since left with her early morning coffee. But because I'm still waiting for my bagel, I must continue to hear Gladys speak about her (I'm assuming) grandkids. Seeing that I'm the only one really in earshot, she focuses on telling her stories to me for the next minute.

Gladdy, I don't care. I just want my bagel. I'm glad you are a people person; that is a great character trait. But I didn't pay for you to talk to me (at least not before 8:00 AM); I paid for my bagel. Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie.

At least she's good at what she does though; my bagel was wonafoo.

I'm ok with terms such as Christmas Tree, Christmas Lights, and Christmas-Centric stuff; that should be preserved.

But getting upset at the representatives to mass-market audiences who say Happy Holidays over Merry Christmas?! That I cannot stand for. I ran across a website today aimed at getting every retailer and public official to use Merry Christmas as the official greeting for the holiday season.

Even if you are Christian, there are multiple holidays (Christmas, New Years, and in many instances Boxing Day and important advent days), why throw those by the wayside? You could be Christian but not overly religious and prefer New Years to Christmas, looking at the beginning of your new year rather than the beginning of a character in religious history.

Regardless of your religious following, if I am buying things, how do you as a retailer know if I'm buying for Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or some other day? Or what if it just happens to be a December 27 birthday; people ARE born every day. When I buy from you or give you some other type of patronage, I'd actually be more offended if you generalized me rather than lumping me in with a safe catch-all phrase.

What if I'm wearing a turban? Do you still say Merry Christmas? Who empowered you to determine my faith? What if I'm black? I might celebrate Kwanzaa; I might celebrate Christmas; I might be agnostic and only celebrate New Years. Again, don't try to single me out. By saying Happy Holidays to the masses, you're saving face and everyone else from embarrassment.

This being said, when you are at appropriate venues though, you SHOULD use proper religious terminology; knowing when it is and is not appropriate should be common knowledge. Anyone who refuses to recognize that should reevaluate how truly devoted you are to religious and political freedom. I am a Christian, but I have numerous friends of other followings. Who am I to push my religion on them?

Now that I've said my peace, I wish everyone else in the world peace and enjoyment for whatever holiday you are anticipating this December.

I went to a wedding a week ago. Everything was very nice--the ceremony, the dresses, the tuxes, the cake, the food, and the reception. So I write today not to complain about the wedding, but the venue at which it took place.

The wedding was in Lancaster, PA, otherwise known as land of the Amish. This is the part of the state that lies in what we call Pennsyltucky, the very conservative and very republican part of the state sandwiched (in a T-shape) between more liberal Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

I can understand that religious zealots in this area want to teach their youth about religion, but look at the children's program that I picked up in the narthex of Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic Church.

Why is it OK for our children to learn history in such a poor manner? Look at this first page. There weren't any potholes in 25 BC! Hell, there were hardly any roads. And striking and/or confused road crews? That didn't come about until the 1930's, when people stopped learning how to be slow and learned how to drive like assholes.

As poorly inaccurate as this is, my favorite has to be the inside page. The upper lefthand corner starts with this wooly mammoth of a man declaring in not so many words "Hi sinners. I'm better than you so bow to me." You must read it for yourself to really grasp its full impact. Has
anyone an idea as to how inappropriate that is?

What about the portrait at the bottom with faceless people. This is for kids 6-10. Do they actually grasp the concept of baptism? How are they expected to draw the faces of these folks?

As if this isn't bad enough, the younger children's version (blue) is even more pathetic. Lets have fun with rhyming? Last time I checked, hooked on phonics was compulsory in elementary school, not at the church. And besides, each of these could be true. I have been witness to a number of crazy wedding ideas, all of which involved being a bride, but some involved a ride on a harley, getting tied (but we won't talk about the post-reception honeymoon antics), and yes, even going down a slide during pictures. So parents, if the kid circles all of the above, don't get angry, just consider your child more of an exhibitionist.

Honestly, I'm not a very religious person, as if you couldn't already tell that, but why subject our children to this insanity? Granted, we had a good laugh at our very liberal reception table, but what else is this really good for? A good and solid education of morality and intolerance among today's youth? If this is what the world is coming to, I want out.

Not much offends me. But as a liberal working in a very conservative company, I consider myself an expert at crossing the line between classy and trashy. Luckily, I'm more often the observer than a direct participant.

Today, I telephoned a company in Orlando. The woman with whom I spoke was very pleasant; she couldn't assist me but was able to direct me to someone who would. She politely transferred me into the company voicemail system for what seemed like an eternity while I waited for the other end to pick up.

During my time in telelimbo, I overheard the following hold muzak: ". . . Damn boy, I couldn't believe the jiggly junk on her. For reals. She's lucky I didn't stop and nail her right in the parking lot. It was like god da. . . Hi, you've reached Paul, I can't take your call right now. . ."

Am I wrong in thinking that this might be mildly inappropriate for a firm that does not specialize in sex, drugs, and gangsta rap? The only connection I can make is that they DO provide communications systems hardware at concert venues. I get that, but why not something a bit more subdued? Like say, anyone still in concert at your local easy listening station.

Don't get me wrong, I caught myself laughing, but then I turned beet red when I realized just how wrong the recording and my suggestive reaction to it really were. Can you imagine if one of the old women from my firm would have been on the phone instead of me? She'd either be mortified, or be so worked up that she'd have to go out and get nailed right in the parking lot across the street.

Please people, have some composure.