Abnormalities of Life

Not that I'm entirely caught up with it, but I am one of the "26 million Americans who tunes in each week to this season's biggest new drama, Commander in Chief". While it is clearly a female-draw, there is always something nice about seeing the person who is mounting up against all odds to lead for the common good.

I consider myself fairly liberal, and I think we could use our first non-white-straight-male in the Whitehouse. While the California Gubernatorial race was a bit extreme, it might be fun. So here below, I offer up the top benefits that diversification could bring to the Whitehouse:

If a woman were president:

1. Women's liberation would move up by leaps and bounds--if it were a straight woman. Women's liberation would move back by leaps and bounds if it were a lesbian. We won't even mention how far back the men's movement would be in this scenario.
2. "No longer would a leader be judged by the size of the army they command, but by the size of her chest".
3. If said female leader was a mother, no enemy would be safe from that "do you know how much this disappoints me" attitude. God help us all if she were a Jewish mother. We would never need a war again; a strict scolding would right all of the world's wrongs.
4. If the guilt trip does not work, we need only wait for that short time frame that comes about each month when every good woman throws sanity and tact out the window. No man has ever mustered up enough courage to push the red button, but one woman who succumbs to hormone shock will eradicate all American foes with one blow.
5. An entirely new precedent would be set in terms of multi-tasking.

If an African-American were president:

1. It would be extremely difficult to pin the leader of the free world with an affair. The posse of 100 is designed for just that reason.
2. Air Force One is long past due for a good set of spinnas.
3. New Orleans would not have flooded with a non-racist president. OK, maybe it would have still flooded, but clean up would have been better.
4. Hail to the Chief would be so much cooler set to a tight drum line.
5. The State of the Union Address would be written and produced by Diddy and laid on the musical track of a famous hit from the Reagan era.

If a Hispanic were president:

1. His name would most likely be Elian Gonzales.
2. We would welcome Mexico as the 51st state.
3. The Whitehouse lawn would be even more impeccably landscaped.
4. Due to the size of the first family, the size of the secret service would more than double, leading to record-low unemployment.
5. Free drugs for everyone. It would be better than Canada!

If an Asian-American were president:

1. The library of congress would officially be replaced by Barnes and Noble.
2. Ford, GM, and Daimler-Chrysler would become Toyota, Honda, and Nissan of America.
3. Everyone would be afraid to mess with Secretary of Defense, Jet-Li.
4. Low-Income housing will be replaced with Japanese sleeping tubes.
5. The national intelligence system would be developed by Nintendo.

If an Islamic-American were president:

• Ya, because our open-minded voting populous would EVER let this happen. Sorry guys / gals. I think you'd be just fine, so long as you use Air Force One for its proper, non-ballistic purpose.

If a gay were president:

1. "Whitehouse White party people. . . O Ma God!"
2. The president would be setting fashion trends for years to come.
3. The title of first gentlemen would rotate daily.
4. No more marriage or sodomy laws. I could even marry my cat if I wanted.
5. National debt would quadruple, but its ok, because everyone in America really needed those Steve Maddens. There is always room for another credit card.

# posted by Jay @ 8:50 AM